“Jimmy Discovers the Blockchain” (And It Breaks Him)
Disclaimer: This episode contains absolutely no financial advice, just broken dreams, misplaced JPEGs, and too many acronyms. All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual crypto bros, living or bankrupt, is purely coincidental. Do not mint this episode as an NFT. You will be laughed at.
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INT. JASON & HARRIETTA’S LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY AFTERNOON
The gang is gathered for game night. Pizza boxes (half eaten), an open box of Exploding Kittens, and several La Viet takeout containers litter the coffee table. HARRIETTA is straightening coasters. JASON lounges on the couch, joint in hand. CRYSTAL sits cross-legged on the floor with a Cricut vinyl sheet stuck to her elbow. JIMMY is pacing like he’s discovered time travel.
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JIMMY (eyes wide, gesturing like a prophet) Guys. GUYS. I just figured out NFTs.
CRYSTAL Oh Lord. Again? Last week you “figured out soup.” You were just high and drinking from a gravy boat.
JIMMY No no no. For real! NFTs! I cracked the code! It’s like—it’s like digital Beanie Babies with receipts!
JASON (sarcastic) Wow. Revolutionary. Harvard Business School just burst into applause.
HARRIETTA (flatly) So, what exactly is an NFT, Jimmy?
JIMMY (arms flailing) A Non-Fungible Token! It’s like a thing you buy, but… you don’t get it. You just… prove you bought it. Like marriage but with a cartoon gorilla.
CRYSTAL That’s called a scam. Or Sephora points. Same energy.
JASON (sitting up) Wait wait wait—are you telling me you just understood NFTs?
JIMMY (sincerely) Yes. It hit me in the shower like lightning. Naked enlightenment. The water was hot. The truth was hotter.
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FLASHBACK – INT. JIMMY’S BATHROOM – EARLIER THAT DAY
JIMMY, dripping wet, towel barely on, stares at himself in the mirror.
JIMMY (V.O.) “Wait… I don’t own the image… I own the bragging rights to the idea of owning the image…”
He gasps, slips on a rubber duck, and crashes out of frame.
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BACK TO SCENE
HARRIETTA (mildly horrified) You had an epiphany… while damp?
JIMMY Yes! And now I know why NFTs failed. It wasn’t the tech. It was the people. They thought JPEGs were assets.
JASON Oh, you sweet summer engineer.
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CRYSTAL (getting up, brushing off vinyl) Wait. You bought one, didn’t you?
JIMMY (wincing) Technically… three. One was a pigeon in a space suit. One was a pineapple with eyes. And one—oh God—was just the word “FUNGIBLE” in Comic Sans.
HARRIETTA (putting her forehead in her hand) Why?
JIMMY I thought I could flip them! Like digital real estate! Like SimCity but with vibes!
JASON (laughs maniacally) You minted regret. That’s what you did.
CRYSTAL (snickering) You’re gonna be the only man evicted from the blockchain. Security gon’ escort your avatar out.
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INT. KITCHEN – LATER
HARRIETTA and JASON are doing dishes while CRYSTAL flicks water at Silver the cat, who is actively ignoring her.
HARRIETTA He really thought NFTs were a good investment?
JASON Jimmy thinks QR codes are magic spells. Of course he did.
CRYSTAL (doing Silver’s voice) “Papa, why’d you sell my college fund for a JPEG of a possum wearing Yeezys?”
JIMMY (O.S.) (from living room) It was a limited edition possum, okay?
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INT. LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
JIMMY is now hunched over his laptop, eyes darting wildly.
JIMMY You know what? I’m gonna burn the NFTs. Like a digital protest!
CRYSTAL You can’t even burn toast without starting a kitchen emergency.
JIMMY I’ll send them to a dead wallet! A digital graveyard! A Metaverse tombstone!
JASON So you’re paying gas fees to delete a receipt of a cartoon you never owned in the first place?
JIMMY (tapping furiously) YES. IT’S SYMBOLIC.
HARRIETTA It’s idiotic.
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INT. BASEMENT – LATER THAT NIGHT
Jason has pulled out a projector. They’re watching a ridiculous NFT “documentary” narrated by an overdramatic British voice.
BRITISH NARRATOR (V.O.) “…and thus, the JPEG revolution collapsed beneath the weight of its own irony.”
Everyone groans.
CRYSTAL (turning to Jimmy) Are you done now? With the pixel Ponzi?
JIMMY (sighs) Yeah. I am.
(pause)
…
JIMMY Unless… what if we made our OWN NFT? Like, of our game night? “The Fellowship of the Exploding Kitten.” One-of-a-kind. Limited mint. Only ten billion copies.
HARRIETTA You’re not allowed near the internet unsupervised.
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INT. JASON & HARRIETTA’S FRONT DOOR – NEXT MORNING
The gang is leaving. JIMMY holds a USB stick solemnly.
JASON What’s that?
JIMMY The last copy of my NFTs. I’m gonna bury it. For future civilizations. Maybe they’ll appreciate it.
CRYSTAL Honey, they won’t. They’ll reboot it and scream.
HARRIETTA (dry) Put it next to your fantasy football losses and broken air fryer.
JIMMY It’s like a time capsule… of shame.
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EXT. BACKYARD – DAY
JIMMY digs a tiny hole with a plastic spork. He drops the USB in. Covers it. Puts a Popsicle stick on top with the words: “RIP JPEG.”
JIMMY May you rest in encrypted peace, PigeonAstronaut47.
JASON (O.S.) Hey Jimmy.
JIMMY Yeah?
JASON Wanna buy a digital tulip?
Beat.
JIMMY …how much?
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ROLL CREDITS. Cue theme music: funky ska cover of “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
POST-CREDIT SCENE:
CRYSTAL peeks at Jimmy’s phone. He’s Googling:
“How to start a blockchain for cats.”
CRYSTAL (deadpan): Silver, pack your things. Your papa’s got plans.
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END.
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