Disclaimer: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No chickens were harmed in the making of this tale. Except emotionally. They were very confused.

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INT. JASON AND HARRIETTA’S LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY NOON

The gang is mid-Jackbox game, huddled on a couch with snacks everywhere. Jimmy’s holding a game controller like it’s a detonator. Crystal is half-watching while whispering to Silver the cat. Jason is hyper-focused. Harrietta folds laundry as she plays.

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JIMMY (whispering dramatically) If I pick the wrong answer again, I’m legally obligated to surrender my Jamaican citizenship.

CRYSTAL You surrendered that when you used mayonnaise on fried plantain last week, bwoy.

JIMMY That was aioli, thank you very much.

JASON Aioli is just garlic mayo. You don’t win points for calling your sins by fancier names.

HARRIETTA It doesn’t matter what you call it. You ruined the plantain and made the air fryer smell like betrayal.

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Suddenly, the TV screen freezes.

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JASON Oh come on! Harrietta, did you update the router firmware like I asked?

HARRIETTA No, Jason. I was too busy being the entire household management system. What were you doing—calibrating your “vibe sensors” again?

JASON Don’t mock the sensors. They sensed this.

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INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER

The group shuffles in, searching for food like raccoons in a recycling bin. Crystal opens the fridge.

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CRYSTAL Ok, who bought a whole raw chicken and just… put it on a plate? Like it’s waiting for judgment.

JIMMY That was me. I had a plan. It’s a Jamaican thing.

HARRIETTA Leaving poultry unseasoned in the fridge is not a Jamaican thing.

JIMMY I was going to make jerk chicken but then I… forgot the jerk part.

JASON So what you did was attempt a felony, then walked away mid-crime.

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CRYSTAL Wait—have any of us ever cooked a whole chicken?

HARRIETTA I’ve roasted one. Once. In 2007. During a power outage. While my mother was FaceTiming me from a Nokia.

JASON Okay, so none of us.

JIMMY What if we all cooked it… together?

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A beat. They all stare at Jimmy.

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JASON What is this? A Disney Channel Original Movie?

CRYSTAL Are we gonna “learn the true meaning of poultry” too?

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MONTAGE: “THE CHICKENING BEGINS”

[1] Jimmy puts the chicken in the sink, immediately drops it. JIMMY It slipped! That bird is slicker than a tax auditor in February!

[2] Harrietta reads an online recipe with increasingly aggressive skepticism. HARRIETTA “This recipe says to ‘massage the chicken like it’s a stressed CEO’… Okay then.”

[3] Jason smokes a joint, staring at the bird like it’s whispering stock advice. JASON Guys… I think this chicken has seen things. War. Divorce. Bitcoin collapses.

[4] Crystal is dressing the chicken in baby clothes. CRYSTAL Look, Silver! He’s a little gentleman now. Sir Cluckles Featherington III!

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INT. KITCHEN – LATER

The chicken is now in the oven. They’re sitting around, exhausted.

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JASON That was… the most teamwork we’ve done since the Great IKEA Bookshelf Incident.

HARRIETTA Don’t bring that up. You installed the shelves upside-down and called it “Scandinavian chaos theory.”

CRYSTAL Okay but real talk—what if we just… started a chicken-based food business?

JIMMY Like a food truck?

JASON Like a chicken empire.

HARRIETTA You can’t even handle reheating rice without a fire warning. Who’s running this empire?

JIMMY We all are. It’s a co-op. With titles.

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JASON I call Head of Poultry Strategy.

CRYSTAL I’ll be Director of Cluck.

HARRIETTA You know co-ops require actual work, right?

JASON No, no—theoretical co-op. Emotional equity only.

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FLASHBACK: INT. CLASSROOM – 3RD GRADE JASON

Little Jason stands at the front of class with a poster that says “Chickonomics.”

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LITTLE JASON Supply and demand is like eggs. Too many, prices fall. Too few? Riots. Wake up, sheeple.

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BACK TO PRESENT

JIMMY You’ve been preparing for this your whole life.

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INT. DINING ROOM – 40 MINUTES LATER

They’re staring at the finished roast chicken. It looks… questionable.

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CRYSTAL It’s giving… “culinary cry for help.”

HARRIETTA It smells like thyme. And… betrayal.

JASON No, no. That’s the cannabis-infused butter Jimmy added “by mistake.”

JIMMY You said we wanted to elevate the flavor!

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They each take a bite. A long pause.

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HARRIETTA …Why is it spicy?

CRYSTAL Why is it sour?

JIMMY I think I accidentally mixed up the limes and the vinegar. And maybe the weed butter was… not butter?

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Jason suddenly gets up and stares into the void.

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JASON I’ve seen the face of God. And it’s… lemony.

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CRYSTAL I think Silver just judged us. Did you see that side-eye?

HARRIETTA We need to throw this away and never speak of it again.

JIMMY But what if we rename it? Like… “Avant-Chick Cuisine”?

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HARRIETTA No. We bury it in the backyard and salt the earth so nothing ever grows there again.

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INT. MAIN ST. GREEK – 20 MINUTES LATER

They’re all eating gyros, silent and shame-faced.

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JASON We flew too close to the chicken. Like Icarus, if he had feathers… and salmonella.

CRYSTAL I feel like we just lost a game no one was playing.

JIMMY Okay but… when’s round two?

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HARRIETTA When the chicken learns to roast us back.

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SILVER (V.O.) (purring with judgmental gravitas) You fools. The chicken cooked you.

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FADE OUT.

ROLL CREDITS over a freeze-frame of the gang arguing over who left the oven on.

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END OF EPISODE

#TheCluckening

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